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I don't really want to inject too much DOOM AND GLOOM into this site but I was feeling pretty miserable and unmotivated the past month. It wasn't just what happened to Cosmo's friend that hit me really hard. Thinking about what Cosmo does (and feels passionate about, and wants to continue doing) makes me throw up. I can't not think about it. I feel like I can never get away from violence. It's all catching up me, physically and emotionally.

My mother beat me regularly when I was a child and teenager, and my dad didn't stop her. My dad beat me up once when I was 19 and still living at home. I really wasn't a horrible kid. In my teens, I made some bad friendship choices to try to avoid picked on at school, but I don't think anything I did really warranted me being beaten. I'm not saying this out of anger or anything (as I don't really feel angry toward either parent) but I honestly don't think either of my parents are supportive or understanding, or ever have been. I'm saying this because I tried to get away from a violent and particularly unsupportive past, but I don't think my present is any better. It's just different.

I really am not very emotionally stable, and although I've never beaten anyone up since I became an adult (Did I ever actually become an adult? It's just a number), I do have violent tendencies (mostly towards myself) and this is why I can never have a child. I would be doing such a great injustice to the human society by becoming a parent, as I know I'll unconciously emulate my parents behavior and/or attitudes. If you can't raise a kid right, in an emotionally healthy environment, don't bother raising a kid at all.

It's a shame really, because every so often I think this kid could make me happy. More importantly, however, I think I could make this kid really happy.

A few hours ago, I found out that someone who was in my husband's army company (and who my husband was friendly with) was killed in combat and that my husband was right fucking there when it happened. I don't want to write specific details (such as their location and names) but I do want to try and write down how I am feeling.

I can't believe this happened, it doesn't feel real, I want to throw up, my head is spinning. Just yesterday I was thinking, "Oh, cool, we're 3 months in. Only 9 months to go before this is over. We're already 1/4 of the way through! Heads up!" and now suddenly I know that these next 9 months are going to be like an eternity. It's nauseating. And it's very, very real.

As I write this, I really have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of this year. When I don't hear from my husband for a few days at a time, I find it very difficult to eat (I am quite the opposite of a binge eater). I find it very difficult to do the daily exercises that I have set myself to do. I have very little motivation and I feel like the space between my parents and I is getting wider and wider apart. It's rough, trying to keep myself healthy physically and emotionally. I often get a burning, wrenching sensation in my stomach, likened to a black hole trying to suck my spirit away.

My brain is having a hard time processing the harsh reality of the person I love having to dance with death. It's so ludicrious. It must be a dream. It's going to be a crazy year, son.