I don't really want to inject too much DOOM AND GLOOM into this site but I was feeling pretty miserable and unmotivated the past month. It wasn't just what happened to Cosmo's friend that hit me really hard. Thinking about what Cosmo does (and feels passionate about, and wants to continue doing) makes me throw up. I can't not think about it. I feel like I can never get away from violence. It's all catching up me, physically and emotionally.

My mother beat me regularly when I was a child and teenager, and my dad didn't stop her. My dad beat me up once when I was 19 and still living at home. I really wasn't a horrible kid. In my teens, I made some bad friendship choices to try to avoid picked on at school, but I don't think anything I did really warranted me being beaten. I'm not saying this out of anger or anything (as I don't really feel angry toward either parent) but I honestly don't think either of my parents are supportive or understanding, or ever have been. I'm saying this because I tried to get away from a violent and particularly unsupportive past, but I don't think my present is any better. It's just different.

I really am not very emotionally stable, and although I've never beaten anyone up since I became an adult (Did I ever actually become an adult? It's just a number), I do have violent tendencies (mostly towards myself) and this is why I can never have a child. I would be doing such a great injustice to the human society by becoming a parent, as I know I'll unconciously emulate my parents behavior and/or attitudes. If you can't raise a kid right, in an emotionally healthy environment, don't bother raising a kid at all.

It's a shame really, because every so often I think this kid could make me happy. More importantly, however, I think I could make this kid really happy.