Teacup.

Between the last post and this, I went on a vacation to Malaysia and Thailand for about four weeks … and I’ve seen and learned a lot, I guess. Of course, I snapped a lot of photos. I’ll post some of them here once I’m less tired.

I also did a lot of shopping. I think in total, I must have spend something like NZD $1500+ in both countries together. It was a lot of fun. I definitely recommend going to Thailand for a holiday. It is incredibly beautiful.

Post more later.

Warning that this post contains me talking about menstrual cycle. So run far away if you can’t deal with it.

So me and my friends were talking about periods and I said that I dread mine because when it comes, it’s … for the lack of a better word, extremely excruciating. For me, the day before and the day it starts are the worse. I want to throw up, I can’t eat, I can’t move … and it feels like I’m giving birth to my guts. I’m constantly nauseous and most of the time, I’m literally curled up over myself just to ease the pain.

It wasn’t always like this. But about four years ago, this pain started and as each period comes, it’s like … it’s getting worse. I told my doctor (when I finally took my friend’s advice to go see him, yes my doctor is a guy), I told him that I remember one time it was so bad, I had to sit in a lecture theater for three hours because I knew that if I stood up, I would have thrown up right there and then.

So I repeated all those and extra details that only doctors should know and he said that it sounds quite serious. My heart just about sang hallelujah. I never went to see him about this before because I heard about other women complaining about period cramps and I have no clue what the hell is a period cramp. For me, it’s either no pain (in the early days) or extreme pain like what I go through when my period comes. So that’s why I was curious how can these women who have period cramps can still stand up and walk and go to work. It was … absolutely unfathomable.

So then the doctor ask me what do I take to alleviate the pain, and I told him I took nothing because 1) I don’t know what will alleviate the pain and what makes it worse and 2) I couldn’t swallow anything even if I got some painkillers on hand as I would have thrown it right back up.

So he sent me to the radiologist for an ultrasound as he said it could be Endometriosis. The ultrasound wasn’t the most comfortable experience, to be quite honest. It was a pelvis-abdomen scan and I had to have a full bladder and must not have any food six hours prior to the scan. My scan was at 2PM. I survived on high sugar-content orange juice from 7:30AM to 2PM. And while I was waiting in the reception area, two pregnant women came and went for their ultrasound scan. And both had to tell their radiologist to give them a few more minutes to wait for their partner to arrive.

Maybe it was just me, but I swear they were giving me a funny look. Hard to describe, but I felt like I was being judged. But I couldn’t really tell them to shove it because my mind was on when I can go to the toilet. Honestly, the combination of having to hold your pee in and the radiologist pressing the scanner on your pelvis is one of the hardest must-not-embarass-self-by-peeing-pants situation.

Uhm, yeah. So that was about two weeks ago. I’ve been tossing between panicking that it may be Endometriosis and I will probably have to go for surgery, and moments of calmness where he can prescribe me birth-control pills to control and perhaps minimize the pain. I have to go see him soon again as my temporary Naproxen he prescribed me has only one refill left.

The next period is coming along and I can feel the … I guess slight pain already. I’m bracing myself like usual but sad as it seems, I feel a bit better equipped with the Naproxen going everywhere I go. As I’m typing this, I feel like my ovaries/kidneys are contracting and expanding constantly. About 24 hours ago, there’s been slight pain around my pelvic bone. Yeah, I’m pretty ready to pop those Naproxen pills like candies once the full blast of it hits.

This waiting around for the doctor to interpret the ultrasound results is also killing me slowly. Just fucking call me and tell me what’s happening. Please!

Now that I’ve vented out one of my frustrations in the previous post, I’ve had a couple of days where I can think a bit more clearly on the matter and…maybe I was a little harsh and a little too angry. In my defense, I’ve let that little ball of hurt festered until it’s this giant monster in my chest eating away what little heart I’ve got. And also, I can keep grudges like no one’s business. Seriously.

So, I’ve had a couple of days to think and I guess I wasn’t on my best behavior so I’ve asked her if she wanted to have a dinner this Friday. Just the two of us, where I’ll be on my best behavior. The ball’s in her court now.

Half of me wants to prostrate myself before her begging for forgiveness, but the other half of me tells the other side to fuck off because we had the right be angry. I think both side has a point hence, no side wins but we’ll see how this plays out. I’m a bit more calm now, my head is a bit clearer and I just need to stay calm and cool.

I knew I was so close to breaking point, I had to let steam out somewhere and it just happened to be here and as much as I would like to apologize for the bad behavior, I just can’t. Maybe people will view in me in a negative light now, and really, I still need a little more time before the festering stops.

Maybe I just need to completely stop thinking about it.

So it was my 22^nd birthday on Thursday so obviously, I had family and friend dinners on Thursday and Friday, cause I love them all. ♥ It was great dinners except for the minor indigestion on Thursday with family and…

So on Friday was the friend dinner and the organizer of the dinner decided to invite Flora. When I found out Flora was invited, I knew it was bad news. There is a reason why I considered her close to me up until a few months ago.

After a few years of friendship with Flora, we were talking about life problems and bitching about it like usual when it was her turn to bitch about her boyfriend. So bitch, bitch, bitch and…well, I guess I could sum up our friendship with this sentence from her to me. “Oh, you’d never understand my boyfriend problems because you’ve never had one.”

Wow, that is some profound shit. I’m just so damn fucking glad you’ve opened my eyes for me! I mean, really. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t know I ranked so low in your eyes, I guess…I didn’t even register in your brain that I considered you a close friend whom I really respected and trust! Thank you again. I’m just really grateful for that eye-opener.

After that…I got caught up in university which helped me avoid her. Until last night which was my birthday dinner with friends. See, she warned us that she had “big news”. That had already set off alarm bells in my head cause I know she loves attention and probably couldn’t bear the thought that I, this lowly being that doesn’t even compare to her A+ life, was the center stage for this birthday dinner! If it wasn’t my birthday, I would love to have given her the attention, but since it was my birthday, well, she should go fly kite.

Guess what her big news is? She’s pregnant with twins. Yay. See, I would have been a little bit more enthusiastic if she just not said it at all on my birthday dinner, or well…she could have just said it and left it alone humbly. But well, I don’t think she ever knew the word “humble” existed, let alone what it means. All throughout the dinner was the topic of how she broke it to her boyfriend, how she broke it to her family, how she broke it to her boyfriend’s family, how she’s taking supplements from her doctor, how her ultrasound is, how the ultrasound looks, what she can eat, what she can’t eat, how the morning sickness is, how craving is the supposed natural call from the body to eat what she’s lacking for her babies blah blah blah and it just went on and on and on.

You know, I shouldn’t have been angry about this. I shouldn’t be shocked about this. I should have expected this fucking “surprise”. As they say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I guess this is a shame-on-me situation. And it really is. I should have expected no less from her.

But you see, there’s a reason why I’ve got a new group of close friends and it’s because they can see the limelight-seeking shit act you’re putting up on my birthday and yeah, they weren’t impressed. I guess this lowly being just can’t be bothered putting up with your shit any longer.

And you know what takes the cake? The fact that she’d use anything, including her pregnancy to make sure she gets all the attention. I mean, all the Facebook congratulations and loves from her other friends weren’t enough, holy fuck. Oh no, she’s got to make sure people at my birthday dinner had to be sufficiently in awe of her. I’ll admit it, I am in awe of her. In awe of her selfishness. And in awe at how dumb I was.

She’s just a receptionist, her boyfriend is a salesperson at a technology store. They were living in a rented flat in the city, but they’re moving back to their parents because well, I guess they don’t have the money to support themselves through this joyous occasion. What an A+ life. She doesn’t think long term about the babies she’s carrying. Those are two lives that are depending on her, and they way she talks about it, it’s just another tool for her to get more attention. That’s what disgusts me. She said she had depression, then she found out she was pregnant blah blah. Bottom line is, she got knocked up, she’s just another accidental teen pregnancy just minus the “teen” in that phrase. The whole joke about it is that the way she phrases it is as if she wanted to have babies, that she was ready.

And I can tell she’s not fucking ready. She’s ready when she stops thinking about herself for one fucking second and put someone else first.

I’ve got another friend who had a beautiful baby girl at 19 and she’s not another accidental teen pregnancy because she wanted a kid since she was 15. She gave up a lot to have that kid. Four years down the track? She’s living with someone steady, the daughter is incredibly beautiful, and even though the mother’s not married, it’s a steady environment and the daughter is not some tool for her. The kid is as is, the kid she wanted for so many years.

Nonetheless, this is a long rant, I need to head out to my uncle’s 50th birthday dinner where I will be allow him to celebrate his birthday. Despite all my anger, I wish Flora all the best with her twins because as cold as it sounds, I do not want any contact with her or her twins ever in my life. And I hope, I’ll never be like Flora.