Teacup.

On Monday, I gave my boss a “revised” work schedule for this trimester. That meant that I could work on Thursday. On Tuesday, I said I needed to make “minor tinkerings” to it, and I canceled out Thursday because I had soccer games on Thursday. Today, Wednesday, I realized that this week’s game is on Sunday so I can make it to work on Thursday this week.

I feel bad that I keep changing this particular day but…I do want to work. I’m not toying with him. If I didn’t have soccer, I really want to work.

I don’t know, I’m so worried he thinks I’m joking and calls me up and tells me I’m fired. I’m hating myself at the moment.

Please don’t fire me. I hope that working with me the last few months actually shows you I want to work. I just have moments where my brain is in my ass, so please overlook it this time.

I told my parents what happened and they said that looking from an employer’s perspective, they would have fired me because I’m a casual worker and they don’t need a very skilled person to do my job. I’m so worried now. I really love this job, it’s probably the first time that I’m comfortable where I am.

And as I said above, please overlook my mistake this time. I feel incredibly incredibly bad, and I’m so sorry about this. I promise to try and avoid moments of idiocy like this in the future.

Whoa. Can you see the e-dust here or what?

Anyway! So I finished all my exam AND my contract job about two weeks ago. So now I’m only occupied with one steady job, which is good, cause then I get some time to myself. Some down time, which is always good and welcome in my life.

My manager at the contract job said that my placement could be extended indefinitely (which I really wanted to happen), but it’s two weeks now and not a word from them. I’m very tempted to email them and ask what’s up but then I remembered on my last day they said that it might take a while to get my contract extended officially because it’s a very busy time right now. I don’t want to appear desperate or harassing but I hate being left out like this. I mean, it’s so easy to just send me a one sentence email saying, “Ashley, unfortunately we will not proceed with extending your contract.” Or “Ashley, we would definitely like to extend your contract but it’s a busy time right now, so give me a few more days/weeks.” I feel like I’m being played with.

I thought I’d be really disappointed without that contract job, but surprisingly, I feel nothing about it now. Nonetheless, either way it goes, I don’t mind as I’ve got a steady job behind me now.

Moving on to much funner things…I never got what was so exciting about the Final Fantasy game series. What was so damn good about it that made everyone rave on and on about it? Well, I’ve finally found the answer to that ridiculous question. Final Fantasy III for DS. It’s been sitting in my DS for a few weeks now and I only just dared to touch it again two days ago. I haven’t put it down since. It’s so cute! It makes me want to squee all the time when I’m playing it…but I don’t.

I still don’t quite know my way around it yet what with the job types and all that. Seriously, I had to google how to change the team party order. That is how noobish I am but! I’m getting better each day. =)

To end this post, I ask why, oh why, did Christmas carols and decorations started being put up and played in shops in late SEPTEMBER? It wasn’t October yet, no. It was freaking September. Holy shit people! There is a limit to when Christmas stuff come out of the closet. And it’s certainly not in freaking September!

Sometimes it hurts to allow my brain to analyze every little detail of something or someone. The more I analyze, the worse the “results” of my analysis is. For example…

I’m on a contract job at a company where I really enjoy working. I mean, what’s not to like? I come in whenever I want, work at the pace I want, get paid a very decent amount and maybe, for the first time in my working life, I can kind of have a decent work relationship with the people I work with. Even my manager is decent himself.

So yesterday, I was talking with my manager, who I’m going to refer to as Phosphor in this post, about me coming in the next day because I didn’t have time to work yesterday. I think I said something like, “Is it alright if I come in tomorrow as I have to…go to my…other work soon?” Phosphor was really cool about it, said it’s alright. Just come in anytime. Now, here comes my overactive brain analyzing every word, every syllabus, every facial tic, every little damn detail about the whole stupidly small conversation to try and get a clue as to whether he will or will not extend my contract because I mentioned that I had another job.

Then I go into a self-destruct cycle where I think to myself that I should NOT be afraid that I let slip that I had another job, which is the truth. But then, I should hate myself for thinking that I shouldn’t be afraid because he might think that if I had another job, there’s no need to extend my contract. Repeat cycle. It’s such a convoluted thinking. I take a break from continuing this stupid cycle by basically saying “I hate myself *head/desk*”.

You think that’s mild? *snort*

Another conversation with Phosphor happened today which I dissected and analyzed and probed until I just want to crawl into back into my deep, dark hole and never come out again.

This was about my total hours of work. I thought it was common courtesy to let Phosphor know that I will exceed my agreed amount of hours soon. I also told him my estimated hours at that moment. I don’t think I came across as angry as I always feel like a little, shy babbling girl when I’m around Phosphor. Phosphor then said that it’s OK and that he’ll “rectify” it so that I will get paid. Bear with me here, as this is where my analyzing part kicks in. I thought he sounded nice, normal and polite, like how he usually talks to all the other staff, nothing out of the ordinary. But the more I think about it, the worst I think that maybe I came across that I’m not willing to work if I don’t get paid? Which, let me assure you, is FAR from it. I would willingly work at minimum wage just as long as I get to continue working under Phosphor.

I hope he doesn’t think that I’m some money-minded asshole, and maybe…he can’t wait until I fuck off.

I can feel my headache coming. I just want my contract to extend indefinitely as a casual so fucking much, it hurts. And it’s strange, but I would really like to continue working for Phosphor.

I need to get this off my chest before I explode out of sheer frustration at myself.

So, since the last entry, I accepted two jobs. Unintentionally. However, one is a temporary contract, the other, a permanent. So I told the permanent office that I’ll not pull as many hours as the others because I have the other contract to fulfill. However, I expect that the temporary contract will expire somewhere end of September, then I should be 110% for the permanent job.

So the past two weeks, I’ve been shuffling two jobs with university (only one course this trimester, thank God).

So what is this frustration that I have? That I’m not putting in as much effort as I should in to the permanent job. It’s because during the day, I work at the temporary contract. Then I go straight to the permanent office and work until 8PM. A 9AM – 8PM straight work is very tiring. By the time I arrive at my permanent contract job, I’m tired. By 6PM, I’m feeling really blah. By 8PM, my whole mind, body and soul is yelling “THANK GOD!!! THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO HOMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!”

For example today, at 8PM, an acquaintance was just about finishing packing up. I didn’t wait. I couldn’t wait because I was so shit tired, I couldn’t stop my feet dragging me out of there and into the car to send me home. I feel bad that I didn’t wait. I’m hoping that next time, I’ll wait for her so I don’t feel so bad 30 minutes later.

Argh, why do I do this to myself? I feel like my guilty consciousness is overflowing 95% of the time.

And today at my temporary job, my pseudo-manager came up to me and asked me how I’m doing. So I said, “Oh, the plan amendments are complete. Thank God! Blah blah blah…” And then when she left, I’m thinking, “Oh fuck”. Cause I don’t know how she received me saying “Thank God the plan amendments are done”. I hope she received it in a positive way because really, 15~20+ plan amendments each consisting on average 100~200 pages to change, it’s a bitch, to put it straight out. But I’m glad it’s done. I hope she didn’t get a bad vibe from me. Please don’t. I’m begging you. I meant it in the nicest way possible. Please say you’ll extend my contract.