I feel bad that I keep changing this particular day but…I do want to work. I’m not toying with him. If I didn’t have soccer, I really want to work.

I don’t know, I’m so worried he thinks I’m joking and calls me up and tells me I’m fired. I’m hating myself at the moment.

Please don’t fire me. I hope that working with me the last few months actually shows you I want to work. I just have moments where my brain is in my ass, so please overlook it this time.

I told my parents what happened and they said that looking from an employer’s perspective, they would have fired me because I’m a casual worker and they don’t need a very skilled person to do my job. I’m so worried now. I really love this job, it’s probably the first time that I’m comfortable where I am.

And as I said above, please overlook my mistake this time. I feel incredibly incredibly bad, and I’m so sorry about this. I promise to try and avoid moments of idiocy like this in the future.

Anyway! So I finished all my exam AND my contract job about two weeks ago. So now I’m only occupied with one steady job, which is good, cause then I get some time to myself. Some down time, which is always good and welcome in my life.

My manager at the contract job said that my placement could be extended indefinitely (which I really wanted to happen), but it’s two weeks now and not a word from them. I’m very tempted to email them and ask what’s up but then I remembered on my last day they said that it might take a while to get my contract extended officially because it’s a very busy time right now. I don’t want to appear desperate or harassing but I hate being left out like this. I mean, it’s so easy to just send me a one sentence email saying, “Ashley, unfortunately we will not proceed with extending your contract.” Or “Ashley, we would definitely like to extend your contract but it’s a busy time right now, so give me a few more days/weeks.” I feel like I’m being played with.

I thought I’d be really disappointed without that contract job, but surprisingly, I feel nothing about it now. Nonetheless, either way it goes, I don’t mind as I’ve got a steady job behind me now.

Moving on to much funner things…I never got what was so exciting about the Final Fantasy game series. What was so damn good about it that made everyone rave on and on about it? Well, I’ve finally found the answer to that ridiculous question. Final Fantasy III for DS. It’s been sitting in my DS for a few weeks now and I only just dared to touch it again two days ago. I haven’t put it down since. It’s so cute! It makes me want to squee all the time when I’m playing it…but I don’t.

I still don’t quite know my way around it yet what with the job types and all that. Seriously, I had to google how to change the team party order. That is how noobish I am but! I’m getting better each day. =)

To end this post, I ask why, oh why, did Christmas carols and decorations started being put up and played in shops in late SEPTEMBER? It wasn’t October yet, no. It was freaking September. Holy shit people! There is a limit to when Christmas stuff come out of the closet. And it’s certainly not in freaking September!

I’m on a contract job at a company where I really enjoy working. I mean, what’s not to like? I come in whenever I want, work at the pace I want, get paid a very decent amount and maybe, for the first time in my working life, I can kind of have a decent work relationship with the people I work with. Even my manager is decent himself.

So yesterday, I was talking with my manager, who I’m going to refer to as Phosphor in this post, about me coming in the next day because I didn’t have time to work yesterday. I think I said something like, “Is it alright if I come in tomorrow as I have to…go to my…other work soon?” Phosphor was really cool about it, said it’s alright. Just come in anytime. Now, here comes my overactive brain analyzing every word, every syllabus, every facial tic, every little damn detail about the whole stupidly small conversation to try and get a clue as to whether he will or will not extend my contract because I mentioned that I had another job.

Then I go into a self-destruct cycle where I think to myself that I should NOT be afraid that I let slip that I had another job, which is the truth. But then, I should hate myself for thinking that I shouldn’t be afraid because he might think that if I had another job, there’s no need to extend my contract. Repeat cycle. It’s such a convoluted thinking. I take a break from continuing this stupid cycle by basically saying “I hate myself *head/desk*”.

You think that’s mild? *snort*

Another conversation with Phosphor happened today which I dissected and analyzed and probed until I just want to crawl into back into my deep, dark hole and never come out again.

This was about my total hours of work. I thought it was common courtesy to let Phosphor know that I will exceed my agreed amount of hours soon. I also told him my estimated hours at that moment. I don’t think I came across as angry as I always feel like a little, shy babbling girl when I’m around Phosphor. Phosphor then said that it’s OK and that he’ll “rectify” it so that I will get paid. Bear with me here, as this is where my analyzing part kicks in. I thought he sounded nice, normal and polite, like how he usually talks to all the other staff, nothing out of the ordinary. But the more I think about it, the worst I think that maybe I came across that I’m not willing to work if I don’t get paid? Which, let me assure you, is FAR from it. I would willingly work at minimum wage just as long as I get to continue working under Phosphor.

I hope he doesn’t think that I’m some money-minded asshole, and maybe…he can’t wait until I fuck off.

I can feel my headache coming. I just want my contract to extend indefinitely as a casual so fucking much, it hurts. And it’s strange, but I would really like to continue working for Phosphor.

So, since the last entry, I accepted two jobs. Unintentionally. However, one is a temporary contract, the other, a permanent. So I told the permanent office that I’ll not pull as many hours as the others because I have the other contract to fulfill. However, I expect that the temporary contract will expire somewhere end of September, then I should be 110% for the permanent job.

So the past two weeks, I’ve been shuffling two jobs with university (only one course this trimester, thank God).

So what is this frustration that I have? That I’m not putting in as much effort as I should in to the permanent job. It’s because during the day, I work at the temporary contract. Then I go straight to the permanent office and work until 8PM. A 9AM – 8PM straight work is very tiring. By the time I arrive at my permanent contract job, I’m tired. By 6PM, I’m feeling really blah. By 8PM, my whole mind, body and soul is yelling “THANK GOD!!! THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO HOMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!”

For example today, at 8PM, an acquaintance was just about finishing packing up. I didn’t wait. I couldn’t wait because I was so shit tired, I couldn’t stop my feet dragging me out of there and into the car to send me home. I feel bad that I didn’t wait. I’m hoping that next time, I’ll wait for her so I don’t feel so bad 30 minutes later.

Argh, why do I do this to myself? I feel like my guilty consciousness is overflowing 95% of the time.

And today at my temporary job, my pseudo-manager came up to me and asked me how I’m doing. So I said, “Oh, the plan amendments are complete. Thank God! Blah blah blah…” And then when she left, I’m thinking, “Oh fuck”. Cause I don’t know how she received me saying “Thank God the plan amendments are done”. I hope she received it in a positive way because really, 15~20+ plan amendments each consisting on average 100~200 pages to change, it’s a bitch, to put it straight out. But I’m glad it’s done. I hope she didn’t get a bad vibe from me. Please don’t. I’m begging you. I meant it in the nicest way possible. Please say you’ll extend my contract.

Rain (Bi) – Hip Song (Rough Lyrics & Translation)

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned this earlier but the first anniversary of Teacup went by a few weeks earlier (not too sure of exact date). I didn’t even realize it until I saw my earliest WP post was more than a year ago. I think it’s a milestone worth noting for myself as I never was able to keep a blog for more than six months. But Teacup has not only surpassed it’s one year anniversary, it’s still alive and kicking. I’m going to take this opportunity to once again, thank Modi for hosting this blogger who rants and rave more often than a psychotic clown on ecstasy.

To pile on some more good points in my life currently, I am officially employed again. Not temping, but an actual permanent position with ongoing hours and weeks. I think this is fantastic! I might be able to start as soon as next week as long as all the paperwork are finalized on-time. The location is a bit like out in the wop-wops but I think that’s a minor detail compared to what I’ll actually be doing right?

Well, I think that’s about it for now. I need to take the clothes in before it gets darker than it is.

Hmm, would you look at that. This post ID is exactly 999. Must mean something…?

I was very upset about the redundancy. And the manager I told you about? Not a good working relationship with her at the moment? Well, if the news she was telling me wasn’t generally categorized as “sad”, she probably would have broken out the champagne and thrown a jamboree party before, during and after she told me the great redundancy news. Not kidding. Her face was trying, and failing for that matter, at containing her smile at the news. Well, that lazy bitch can jolly well…whatever. If I was such a shit employee, why is everyone else sad at seeing me go in a couple of months?

I just wish people weren’t so…frustrating to deal with sometimes. At university, it’s the inconsiderate bastard talking away in a quiet section of the library or the tutor who can’t be bothered helping you find out what’s suppose to be happening, at work it’s the manager who doesn’t know how to behave like a manager or the colleague who’s always taking time off to “study” when we all know she’ll probably waste it on partying until the morning and at home, the brother who’s so lazy that a sea sponge will appear more hardworking.

After I left work today, I felt so dejected and started planning out a lazy holiday after my exams in June. So far I’ve got down that I’ll probably take the train to travel, camp out at a motel/hotel for probably 2-3 days, take the train back. Not too sure yet…all I want is a break from this…madness. I can’t take it anymore. And this holiday is just me. No one to accompany me and tell me what to do, or take advantage of me and all that. It’ll be just me. Like it’s always been.

These were bought at Hannah’s for NZD $50. They only had this color scheme or the neon orange in this sandal-style. I bought the sandals with the aim to be able to wear it anywhere. Including the office.

This is because my current manager, told my colleague to tell me that my old slippers aren’t “appropriate” for the office and that she has had “complaints” from a few people regarding the slippers. Right…complaints. Other employees are tramping around the building wearing black slippers and uh…yeah. Shall I lodge a complain about them for you?

Yeah, OK whatever. I’m still working on my feelings for my current manager. It’s coming along…

Anyway! With these slippers/sandals, she can’t say a word about it being “inappropriate“. Otherwise…let’s not go there…

But check it out! It’s awesome! I love it. I heart it. A lot. I expected them to be quite tough, but they are one of the most comfortable sandals/slippers I have ever worn. Now let’s hope they last until next summer.

I only have 7.5 hours a week to get through my mountain-sized work. I come in and my work is all set out for me. I don’t really have the spare 30 seconds to sit around and have a nice chat about my personal life with my colleagues, let alone five fucking minutes. My manager may have the time because she’s as lazy as they come. But I don’t have the spare time.

I’m not too sure how she came to the conclusion that my commitment to my job should be judged on whether I’m pissing around, chatting with other people. I thought that commitment to one’s job should be based on how punctual that person is, and how much work she’s putting in and giving out, and how satisfactory is that work. I must have been away when the announcement was made that commitment should be judged on who’s pissing around the most now, instead of actual work produced.

But hey, you just give me the word that it is part of my job description to laze around and chat, I’ll do it. Otherwise, I’ll continue working as I have, chugging through my work which is my #1 priority at the moment. Sorry, but chatting to colleagues is way far down my priority list. Not too sure how much priority you give it though…

So instead, I’m going to quickly skim over things that make up my life/day right now. Work is going okay, I don’t think I’m performing at 100% yet but I hope to be by the end of February. Also got told off by my supervisor that my slippers aren’t “professional”, looking to buy a more professional-looking slippers, checking out Gisele Bundchen’s Ipanema range currently. Can’t buy shoes right now because it technically is still Chinese New Years, and the Chinese have this superstition where we do not buy shoes during the 15 days of Chinese New Years.

Got free tickets to a concert in town tomorrow. Unplanned trip but I definitely am going with my friend. I had one more extra spare ticket but the friend which I am giving it to is seriously fucking me off. But I already told her the ticket is hers, so I can’t do anything about it. Oh well.

I’ve also set out a few goals for myself this year. Make at least one new friend this year, perform exceedingly well at my current job so that when I leave, they’d be crying a river and missing me a whole heap, and also to get at least a B average this year at university.

Well, sorry for the long break from the last post but I’m slowly deciding what I want to do with myself and all that mushy stuff. =3

I had this huge plan for a tiny website to be completed before I started my new job. Well, I have a small little domain hosting all my other schnitzels but no front page. How useless is that? So I was really inspired by the Digital Business Card WP Theme and Tim Van Damme‘s layout. Except, I ran out of time. I really wanted it all done by today but I couldn’t even get pass getting the images right. Argh.

It’s only 11:30PM and I have to crawl into my bed right now before I look like an emo tomorrow morning with my natural black eyes and tired face.

Adios for now…Zzz…zzz…