Teacup.

Now that I’ve vented out one of my frustrations in the previous post, I’ve had a couple of days where I can think a bit more clearly on the matter and…maybe I was a little harsh and a little too angry. In my defense, I’ve let that little ball of hurt festered until it’s this giant monster in my chest eating away what little heart I’ve got. And also, I can keep grudges like no one’s business. Seriously.

So, I’ve had a couple of days to think and I guess I wasn’t on my best behavior so I’ve asked her if she wanted to have a dinner this Friday. Just the two of us, where I’ll be on my best behavior. The ball’s in her court now.

Half of me wants to prostrate myself before her begging for forgiveness, but the other half of me tells the other side to fuck off because we had the right be angry. I think both side has a point hence, no side wins but we’ll see how this plays out. I’m a bit more calm now, my head is a bit clearer and I just need to stay calm and cool.

I knew I was so close to breaking point, I had to let steam out somewhere and it just happened to be here and as much as I would like to apologize for the bad behavior, I just can’t. Maybe people will view in me in a negative light now, and really, I still need a little more time before the festering stops.

Maybe I just need to completely stop thinking about it.

So it was my 22^nd birthday on Thursday so obviously, I had family and friend dinners on Thursday and Friday, cause I love them all. ♥ It was great dinners except for the minor indigestion on Thursday with family and…

So on Friday was the friend dinner and the organizer of the dinner decided to invite Flora. When I found out Flora was invited, I knew it was bad news. There is a reason why I considered her close to me up until a few months ago.

After a few years of friendship with Flora, we were talking about life problems and bitching about it like usual when it was her turn to bitch about her boyfriend. So bitch, bitch, bitch and…well, I guess I could sum up our friendship with this sentence from her to me. “Oh, you’d never understand my boyfriend problems because you’ve never had one.”

Wow, that is some profound shit. I’m just so damn fucking glad you’ve opened my eyes for me! I mean, really. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t know I ranked so low in your eyes, I guess…I didn’t even register in your brain that I considered you a close friend whom I really respected and trust! Thank you again. I’m just really grateful for that eye-opener.

After that…I got caught up in university which helped me avoid her. Until last night which was my birthday dinner with friends. See, she warned us that she had “big news”. That had already set off alarm bells in my head cause I know she loves attention and probably couldn’t bear the thought that I, this lowly being that doesn’t even compare to her A+ life, was the center stage for this birthday dinner! If it wasn’t my birthday, I would love to have given her the attention, but since it was my birthday, well, she should go fly kite.

Guess what her big news is? She’s pregnant with twins. Yay. See, I would have been a little bit more enthusiastic if she just not said it at all on my birthday dinner, or well…she could have just said it and left it alone humbly. But well, I don’t think she ever knew the word “humble” existed, let alone what it means. All throughout the dinner was the topic of how she broke it to her boyfriend, how she broke it to her family, how she broke it to her boyfriend’s family, how she’s taking supplements from her doctor, how her ultrasound is, how the ultrasound looks, what she can eat, what she can’t eat, how the morning sickness is, how craving is the supposed natural call from the body to eat what she’s lacking for her babies blah blah blah and it just went on and on and on.

You know, I shouldn’t have been angry about this. I shouldn’t be shocked about this. I should have expected this fucking “surprise”. As they say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I guess this is a shame-on-me situation. And it really is. I should have expected no less from her.

But you see, there’s a reason why I’ve got a new group of close friends and it’s because they can see the limelight-seeking shit act you’re putting up on my birthday and yeah, they weren’t impressed. I guess this lowly being just can’t be bothered putting up with your shit any longer.

And you know what takes the cake? The fact that she’d use anything, including her pregnancy to make sure she gets all the attention. I mean, all the Facebook congratulations and loves from her other friends weren’t enough, holy fuck. Oh no, she’s got to make sure people at my birthday dinner had to be sufficiently in awe of her. I’ll admit it, I am in awe of her. In awe of her selfishness. And in awe at how dumb I was.

She’s just a receptionist, her boyfriend is a salesperson at a technology store. They were living in a rented flat in the city, but they’re moving back to their parents because well, I guess they don’t have the money to support themselves through this joyous occasion. What an A+ life. She doesn’t think long term about the babies she’s carrying. Those are two lives that are depending on her, and they way she talks about it, it’s just another tool for her to get more attention. That’s what disgusts me. She said she had depression, then she found out she was pregnant blah blah. Bottom line is, she got knocked up, she’s just another accidental teen pregnancy just minus the “teen” in that phrase. The whole joke about it is that the way she phrases it is as if she wanted to have babies, that she was ready.

And I can tell she’s not fucking ready. She’s ready when she stops thinking about herself for one fucking second and put someone else first.

I’ve got another friend who had a beautiful baby girl at 19 and she’s not another accidental teen pregnancy because she wanted a kid since she was 15. She gave up a lot to have that kid. Four years down the track? She’s living with someone steady, the daughter is incredibly beautiful, and even though the mother’s not married, it’s a steady environment and the daughter is not some tool for her. The kid is as is, the kid she wanted for so many years.

Nonetheless, this is a long rant, I need to head out to my uncle’s 50th birthday dinner where I will be allow him to celebrate his birthday. Despite all my anger, I wish Flora all the best with her twins because as cold as it sounds, I do not want any contact with her or her twins ever in my life. And I hope, I’ll never be like Flora.

I went to a post-graduate study information evening today and I’m…disappointed. Putting aside the whole minimum of B+ average in the appropriate course requirement, it’s the way I have to re-arrange my life around it. I’ll have to quit work, I’ll have to spend up to 12 ~ 13 hours a day, six days a week at the campus just to maintain my studies.

When asked how they are bringing in some money into their pockets, they said that none of them worked. If you want to, it’s best if they helped out with lab demonstrating to the under-graduates and maybe the tutorials. But that’s it, because otherwise, it’s too time consuming.

At this point in time, I’m not willing to let go of this current job. I’ve been working since I was 16 and this is the first decent place that I’m at. After working for a boss who thinks me working until 7:00pm daily is me being “unenthusiastic” and another boss who thinks that he can bully me, I am NOT going to be a fool and quit this first decent job I’ve even been at.

But I shouldn’t get my panties in a twist at the moment as I’ve still got two years to go and my grades are nowhere near a B+ average, let’s be honest here. Let’s be realistic.

The post-graduate students who came to talk today said that the study can be fun sometimes, and I have no doubt it will be fun as I enjoy my labs (sometimes). But at this point in time, the cons far outweigh the pros and I don’t think it’s worth it for me, personally.

Moving on…had another soccer game today. My team won…yay, we are celebrating. But why am I not in this joyous mood? I feel like a fake for reasons that is just too convoluted in my head to express here. I’m way too tired, way too irritated, way too crassed off…just…can’t be bothered.

…I don’t understand why just because I use usernames like ‘Ice’ and ‘Prime’ (yes, as in Optimus Prime) in chat and people just…kind of make the assumption that I’m a boy. The last time I used a really girly name was a good eight years ago and that was ‘loveashley’. It’s not like I had a bad experience but I’ve just grown out of girly names and am now in the…Transformers phase.

I use Jetfire in one fandom but no one assumes I’m a boy as most people know I changed it from Ashley.

If I go into a random chatroom under ‘Ice’ or ‘Prime’, they’ll start referencing me as a ‘he’. It’s happened a couple of times already in the last few years and it’s still happening. I don’t know how long I’ll stick in this particular chatroom under ‘Prime’ so I haven’t corrected any of them. I may, in time. Imagine the shock that’s going to be.

I kind of dropped heavy hints in some conversations that I’m a girl but I think they just assume I’m a gay guy. I mean I said Robert Downey should shave in Iron Man then he’ll look better. Does that scream girl? I…I think so but they don’t think so. I’ll bitch more about it later when I’m over this situation which I find very…amusing at the moment.

So! Moving on, Cobra Starship. Sometimes I’m a lover, but sometimes I’m a hater. With Guilty Pleasure, I’m a hater. But with the tracks below, I’M A LOVER.

Keep an eye out for Robin Williams at 1:28.

I LOVE Gabe at 1:26 ~ 1:27 where he’s all “HOT DAMN!!” His pose was hilarious!